When I was in college, I made a friend who I thought was going to be a soul sister for life, let’s call her Brenda. Brenda had a longtime friend, we can call her Karla. We all got along really well and, with several other friends, decided to live together off campus. In the second half of our year as housemates Karla did something that significantly hurt both Brenda and me, albeit in different ways. Karla didn’t address the harm done and instead tried to divert the attention onto someone else. I was so disappointed, and in a roundabout way I confronted her. In hindsight I would handle it differently. Still, my hope at the time was that she might acknowledge the problem, we could talk about things, clear the air, apologize to one another, and move forward in what had been a great friendship.
Instead of taking responsibility for her actions, however, Karla started to bully me. I got the sense she was embarrassed about what she had done and, looking back, I suspect my calling her out on it just lit her shame on fire. It seemed she was determined to burn me right out of her life without any rational reflection on what a choice like that meant.
What hurt me even more was that Brenda, seeing Karla’s rage, decided she’d rather keep her longtime friend happy than challenge her to grow. So, Brenda essentially dropped me too. The rest of the housemates took this cue and went silent as Karla continued to treat me with hostility in our home. They were civil, and even nice when Karla wasn’t around, but it was clear that I was to be the casualty of Karla’s disgrace. Sadly, a situation that could have been key in developing relationship skills became a situation that diminished all involved. Thankfully I had other circles of friends to lean into, and I chose to learn from the heartrending situation about what true friendship means to me.
I haven’t thought about the situation with Brenda, Karla, and the girls in years and I forgave it long ago. But I chanced upon a photo of them, and it reminded me of the pain I felt back then…
It reminded me that a harm done to an individual is seriously amplified when others stand by and condone it with their silence.
It reminded me that there are certainly better ways to handle a difficult situation than to just watch it go up in flames.
It reminded me that when we know in our bones that something’s not right, not just, not decent, not kind, etc… we must respond in alignment with our values.
And it reminded me that character is built when we answer our own conscious rather than stay lock step with a tribe mentality that does not protect everyone’s dignity.
To tangibly reduce suffering in our world and increase hope and healing, we must be more than a bystander.
May you be inspired!